?

Log in

The love I have ... never ends



Everyday .. you save my life.
I couldn't ask for a better life!
Between Hudson and Dave - I have all the love I'll ever need.

Thank you for always loving me and being my rock.

S.Q.

16 months and counting ...

Dear Mr. Suncor:

Go fuck yourself.

Don't call me 15 times in 2 hours and bitch because the Tim Horton's isn't done.

IF you had approved my proposal 4 months ago .. then YES it would be done.

However, you decided to ignore my projects and go galavanting across Europe with your mistress. Whom, by the way, is 17.



Thanks and have a swell day ..

.. you good for nothing ..

S.Q.

How about a cave in?

Take a long hard look through your text book ...'cause I'm the history you'll learn. When I strap my helmet on I'll be long gone. I've been dying to leave, so I'll ride the range and hide all my loose change in my bedroom. I've had just about enough of quote, "diamonds in the rough" ... my backbone is paper thin, get me out of this cavern or I'll cave in ...

If the bombs go off, the sun will still be shining. I've heard it said that every mushroom cloud has a silver lining ... (though I'm always undermining too deep to know). Swallow a drop of gravel and blacktop cause this road tastes like wintergreen fresh! The wind and the rain smell of oil and octane mixed with stale gasoline. But I just don't forsee myself getting drowsy, when cold integrity keeps me wide awake

I'll keep my helmet on just in case my head caves in, cause if my thoughts collapse or my framework snaps it'll make a mess like you wouldn't believe! Tie my handlebars to the stars so I stay on track, and if my intentions stray I'll take my leave and I won't even look back.


Anguish and misery fall here like a dead star, and everything you ever said now tears me all apart. I hold on to you like the death of an angel, and I hold on to you with all the life that's in me. Why was I not good enough to save you from destruction? You make me nervous, and drunk ... but do you have to grovel so much? ? ?


Sweet as honey, I'll live forever.



You are beautiful, you are glorious. You are fabulous, you are gorgeous. Broken, shattered ... you're covered in loser dust. And all the things I used to love, all the things I'm about to ruin ... our youth is gone, it's turned to rust.

I loathe every inch of you, you're going down for what you love. I'm burnt out, I'm furious and look at you ... you're embarrassing us. So isolate the prize, give it one big flush ... it's indiscreet, omnivorous.
These women all around, obsessive cunts, file them under miscellaneous. They're starving and carnivorous.

19 Months & counting

Pride with vision but a soul of shame. Conditioned by belief only until someone's to blame. Oppression leads to much greatness, however heroes die where demons reign. This twisted fate ... our twist of fate. Voices will go through my head and we will rise. This is never enough ... letting everyone's hate breed love ... he won't bring me down.

Blind the countless, but break the gates. Dry the wells and build the hate. Poison their hearts to contaminate and let your lungs break out of the plague. All this building hate will eventually light a way. The cries won't go down in vain.

Don't dig it up and don't look down, you've got to know that you aren't bound. You can turn this thing around and not be grinded. Kill your fear and stand your ground, bury the clocks deep underground. Looking back will only bring me to a halt ... the shackled can't break the walls after all.

I'm standing still, feeding the cold. Binding meaning to serve the soul. I'm drifting away, to a distant place. We'll mold the clay to start a new day. I'm breaking apart the pieces ... I'm pushing 'em so far away. All my thoughts are dead ...but your still alive.

Can we pretend to be? When our souls aren't free? So, I'll fill up the spaces with what's left to feel. I'll bury the dead and feed on what's to be. Follow the trail to trace out the faith. Let the rivers fill to wash away the hate.

I would like to see what you've done to me.

Captivated within my own will. I conquered the time while it just stood still. I have abandoned emotions within me, reaching what you call divinity. Guardians of the Gates; Will you let me escape my fate?
Blinded by this hate I lost what I loved too late. Would you let me heal? Is there some time that I can steal?

Focused on what bought me to this state. I lost the love I had for my hate. I won't allow myself to bow down, to the misery I once called my own.

These walls can't hold me down, servitude won't kill me now. I'll dig a way out ... these shackles won't hold me down. I will not break, I will not feel. These words won't feed on what is real anymore. Let me escape; Will you show me how?

I've got my penny eyes ... I lived for a fool's lie.

Must you lift the stones to give us the way? I'll find the unknown and serve as your slave. Don't reason with me. Your live on the cross to eliminate the grey. I remember the taste, when you were left to blame. Remember all the names that left me with yesterday. Remember the tears that engraved my mind with hate. I will never give in to fear ... overcoming my fate.

I can't forgive ... hate is all I feed on. I won't lose the will to live when hatred is at dawn. Your reasoning has failed and my fists are clenched.

THE TRUTH HAS PREVAILED.

I know this will end but I can't comprehend. You've lost everything ... but I am still drowning. You're making me fall on my knees. Everything I knew was never really there. If it was easy I would not complain. If I could just reach there would be less tears.

I cannot take a step because I am a wreck. Something is wrong. I cannot breathe ... I cannot feel. Is this called life? Is this what’s real?

Please show me something real ... something I can feel. I'll fight and break away from your shades of gray.

Everything can't be like you want it to be. So that’s the reason why we disagree.

I'll break away from these shades of gray.

Can you read between the lines? Do not fret my friend ... we never had much time to begin with.

I don't remember it being this clear, when theres pain to bear. I'm overdone with fear. I stand here voicing an unanswered prayer. So come, let’s just light the fuse. Dwelling in a world with no time to lose. His power here has been abused. Too many dreams have been refused.

Yes, it can change ... I can throw away the chains.

Details ...

Okay.

So details about what happened ...

It all started back in 2007, December to be exact. The day we found out we were pregnant. Thats when I started to notice a difference in Glenn. But I shrugged it off, like any other girl would do. So time went on, and things got better. But, like they always did, things just got worse. Ignoring the problem only made it worse.

The day Hudson came home, there was huge tension in our house. Glenn's attitude towards me had done a complete 180. But, my priority was Hudson. I know now that I should have payed more attention to my failing relationship, but I was a new mom. Jan 2009 was the start of the end. Sleeping in different beds, arguing, not talking, just trying to avoid each other as much as possible.

So, after 9 months of being ignored and walked on I decided it was time to let this end. But, like the stupid girl I am, when he said that everything was fine and that it was all in my head, I believed him.

Finally, October 3, 2009. Glenn tells me that he isn't in love with me anymore and that I have to get out. I begged and pleaded for some stupid reason. Thinking that maybe, just maybe, this time we could work it out.

I'm glad we didn't.

Thinking about it now, I knew it was coming. I was just denying it. The last 3 months of our 'relationship' we both drifted apart. Not just Glenn. Since the beginning of 2009, I could feel the difference in the way I was towards him aswell. It happens. People fall in and out of love everyday.

I wasn't in love with Glenn anymore either, and I wasn't for a long time. I realize now, that I wasn't in love with him at all. The only reason I was with him, was because I felt safe, and I needed him. And thats not love at all.

But I'm happy now.

I have Hudson (who is the spitting image of his mother, BTW). He will love me more and longer than any man will. I've moved on. There's tons of single moms who make it on their own. Who says I can't be one of them? I'm a strong, independant woman and I will prove to him that he's wrong. I can do this on my own. I will make it.

When your forced to stand alone, you realize what you really have in you. I truly believe it.

I'm trying to be the bigger person through this whole crap show, but he's making it hard. I've never said one bad thing about him. And I won't. My mama taught me better than that. We're not in high school anymore, and he needs to be a grown adult about this situation. Saying shit about me to my friends isn't going to help. And the email from Glenn with the XXX pictures of him and his girlfriend, definatly was not cool.

I know our feelings towards each other are non existant, but there is a child involved. We need to set apart our differences and be parents. Above everything, we are parents. Although, it's hard when he's only seen Hudson once since we've been apart. That's his choice. He doesn't want to spend time with his son, then fine. Just don't bitch to me when Hudson freaks out because he doesn't know you.

I figure thats enough whining for one day. I hope I've helped clear up some questions that I know people have had.


ONE DAY AT A TIME ...


I'm trying to be the bigger person through this whole crap show, but he's making it hard. I've never said one bad thing about him. And I won't. My mama taught me better than that. We're not in high school anymore, and he needs to be a grown adult about this situation. Saying shit about me to my friends isn't going to help. And the email from Glenn with the XXX pictures of him and his girlfriend, definatly was not apro-po.

I know our feelings towards each other are non existant, but there is a child involved. We need to set apart our differences and be parents. Above everything, we are parents. Although, it's hard when he's only seen Hudson how many times? That's his choice. He doesn't want to spend time with his son, then fine. Just don't bitch to me when Hudson freaks out because he doesn't know you.



I can't wait for Christmas! I got Hudson a custom made toy box, with his name carved in it. It's gonna look so beautiful.




I stood up for you, cause I believed you were the one. You had all the chances in the world to let me know the truth, what the hell's wrong with you?

Are you even listening when I talk to you? Do you even care what I'm going through? Your eyes stare and they're staring right through me, it's like you never knew me. Do you even know how much it hurt, that you gave up on me to be with her?

I'm so mad at you right now, I can't even find the words. I can't wait to see you burn. You tried to make me hate that girl, when I should be hating you. Nothing can save you now that it's over. I guess that you'll find out when you're no one. I just don't care, nothing can save you now.


Revenge is sweeter than you ever were

Hudson is 15 months already!

Given the recent events in my life and the fact that some people feel the need to make a joke out of it ... I have come to the conclusion that God will punish you. SO the sick fucks who think its fun to start rumors about an ex friend are just stupid.

YES Glenn cheated on me. YES Hudson and I are living in Stettler. YES YES YES YES

You'll never know how much you hurt me. But that's fine, because I'm a better person from your lies. My life may not be perfect .. but I think its pretty fuckin' sweet.

So back the fuck off.

I feel like I'm on a slow unsuspecting path to insanity some days. I'm so hurt ... it's almost normal.



I laid there feeling sorry for myself in a bed of kleenex, stuffin chocolates in my mouth. On the phone with my best friend cussin my ex. He broke my heart, felt like the world had ended. I cried myself to sleep thinkin I cant get over him. Got half a mind to spend my whole paycheck on one of those dresses, those strapless black ones that are so famous for teaching lessons. Drop by his place pick up the rest of my things he’ll tell me I look good, I’ll laugh and say 'your wastin time'.

Strange. Talk about luck I woke up and the sun was shining. I ought a be in bed with my head in the pillow crying over us. But I aint . . . and it feels great!

What you were not saying was coming in loud and clear and we were at a crossroads...
If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose, if I'm not that arrow to the heart of you. If you don't get drunk on my kiss if you think you can do better than this then I guess we're done. Let's not drag this on... Consider me gone

How about a strong shot of honesty don't you owe that to me...
Consider me a memory. Consider me the past. Consider me a smile in an old photograph someone who used to make you laugh.


I've been fumblin' for words through the tears and the hurt and the pain. I'm gonna lay it all out on the line tonight, and I think that it's time to tell this uphill fight goodbye. I know that you've tried to find me somewhere inside of you. But, you know you can't lie, you can't hide the truth. Sometimes two hearts just can't dance to the same beat. So I'll pack up my things, and I'll take what remains of me.

Have you ever had to love someone that just don't feel the same? Tryin' to make somebody care for you the way I do, is like tryin' to catch the rain. And if love is really forever, I'm a winner at a losin' game. I know that I'll never be the woman that you need or love. But it's killin' me to stand here and see I'm not what you've been dreamin' of...

I'm tired of losing.

Hey white liar, the truth comes out a little at a time. It spreads just like a fire.
You better be careful what you do, I wouldn't wanna be in your shoes if they ever found you out.
You better be careful what you say it never really added up any way, I got friends in this town.

Your face has more to tell . . turns out you don't lie too well.



Here's a bombshell just for you, turns out I've been lying too . .


I can’t win your losing fight all the time. How can I ever own what’s mine when you’re always taking sides? But you won’t take away my pride...not this time. The truth is hiding in your eyes and its hanging on your tongue. You think that I can't see what kind of man that you are, if you’re a man at all.
My world revolved around you, every word was a promise I was hanging on to. Swept up inside a whirlwind, I just couldn't see the end until you were gone. I thought I would fall apart, with shattered dreams and my broken heart.

What I was so afraid of turned out to be my freedom in disguise. Now I know what I'm made of, guess it just took some time to realize. I was blind, I couldn't tell. I had put too much faith in someone else, and gave up on my self.

How was I to know that I'd be okay? Thought I'd loose it all when you walked away. How was I to know that I'd be this strong? I had what it takes all along.

countdown ...

59 DAYS!!!


<3
 77 DAYS!!!

=]

addicted for sure

... oh god i'm in love to the MAX


i've finally found what i've been missing


p.s.
i miss my sister already

this ony stings a lil ...

Your side of my bed is made up still. And I need to hear your voice to get me through the day and make it okay.

I fell head over heels ... and it's not fair to use it against me.

Some people call me a loser, cause I seldom get things right the first time. But you made me feel like a winner, when you wrapped me in your arms so tight.

I've never felt this way before. Everything that I do and see, reminds me of you. The clothes you left, they lie on the floor .. they smell just like you.

When you walk away I count the steps that you take. Can you see how much I need you right now?

All I ever wanted was for you to know how I felt.

I can hardly breathe. I need to feel you here with me.


I'm nobody without somebody like you.
I miss you.
And nobody knows it but me ..



ahhh
p.s.
i don't know what i was thinking ... i'm fed up with our awkward attempts to stay gone



oh yeah its my b-day today and I kindof don't care??? uh ... ok?
but i got a saweet hair cut!